Looking back over my life, I have made some incredibly epic mistakes. I have made bad choices, been hurt, broken and torn. I put my joy in other people’s pockets and didn’t know myself, or my value. I wanted to be loved by people that don’t know how to.
I have been physically and emotionally abused for the better part of my whole life and through it all I’ve blossomed. I’ve overcome brokenness, adversities, health problems and massive life issue’s. Although there has been so much turbulence, I was incredibly blessed with two beautiful children that drive me to be a better and stronger person every day. To be a mother they love and look up to. I also now have a husband I love and who loves me equally as much, with all of our hearts and then some. Additionally, I have two step daughter’s that are amazing and a wonderful extended family, all in which i’m incredibly grateful for. But it has not always been so pleasant.
I had spent so much time feeling that love was not real, that people were just evil and I only lived because of my faith in God. I was born into an abusive home and I had health problems. I was sick and shattered from a young age. As a result I never had hope, and felt very alone. As I became older I found God, but it didn’t stop my hardships. I was a mess. As the years went on I went from abuse to abuse, after a while I stopped caring, I’d let myself be abused because I was so tired of fighting. Although I knew God I was destroyed by the evil in the world and I felt beaten. My understanding of God and faith was very immature and although I knew he was with me, I had so much to learn and grow through. Sometimes my kids and God were the only thing’s keeping me alive.
Life has been very hard and extremely judgmental. I used to feel ashamed by the lies my abusers said to protect themselves. I tried defending myself only to feel invisible and unheard, It was a difficult time being labeled and victimized. Feeling so vulnerable and alone was soul crushing. Iooking back I was caring too much about what others thought than who God said I was. I was seeking love from people that couldn’t give it. Inside I was a small girl crying out to be loved and cared for. Looking back I was immature, I didn’t understand what it really meant to be loved or how to live in faith because I was still living in fear. We can not meet everyone’s expectations and we are not perfect. Neither is anyone else. Life is not that easy. I felt lost. My identity felt misinterpreted and abused. People I cared about lied about me, abused me and accused me. So many lies, so many tears. Many relationships were fractured because of manipulation and lies. Everyone out for themselves regardless of anyone else. It can be sad world. It took a long time for me to stand on my feet and not care about the lies, or the past and just concern myself with me and who I am and want to become. I pity them now, especially the ones that have not changed.
I’ve grown. I’ve grown beyond their lies, the fears, the demons and the darkness. No longer under a shadow. I love the person God created me to be and am. I know I have value and it is not dependent on anyone! Not even myself. I am loved and beautiful. I don’t need people to hold me up, I just need God to hold me in his arm’s. I don’t need to listen to every voice screaming in my head, the peace that I chose to hear is all I’ll ever need. People think they know me, but they don’t. They heard stories, made up by a liar, or they saw me make mistakes. Sure I made mistakes, but one bad choice isn’t my identity and I refuse to accept it. My identity and life now has clear purpose and value. I don’t waste my thoughts, feelings or energy on unnecessary things or people and I refuse to live in the past.
The people we associate with and allow into our lives is extremely important, they shape the perception of us and our experiences. I have learnt to be mindful of my connections and not allow myself to be mistreated. I positioned myself with love. Whatever life throws at you, stand your ground and pray. Never lose hope, and above all, do not relinquish your faith into the arm’s of fear. You will survive the storm’s of life. Every day is a new day and an opportunity to grow beyond what life has done to you, or what you let happen to yourself. You are not a victim, you are in fact a warrior. You are an overcomer!
God has a plan to bless you and prosper you regardless of what any devil in hell might try to put you through. Raise your hopes and keep fighting. You will see change as you change. Grow from your experiences and become the person you know you are on the inside. Let yourself shine in the darkness until you reach the sun. Be the light and let it shine within you. I know mine felt like it was smouldering at times, but it never went out. I wouldn’t give in and give my enemies their wish! No! You fight and you fight and you fight well! I am not perfect, but I do know that to survive you need to grow. You get up every day, have a shower, eat, drink and move! Start researching anything and everything that will help you change your state of mind and move you physically into a better place or environment. Challenge your mindset, false beliefs, the lies and move forward. Make better choices, be better… do better! Leave the past behind you. Change your people and associations. People that are in a rut want company, don’t be their crutch. Do not settle! Get up out of that ditch and lead by example. Look after yourself! If they aren’t ready for change that’s their issue, change yourself. You can only control your outcome. Only you can choose LIFE.
ⒸML Malta 2018